Being Alone

Originally written on 1/4/07

Hi J,

I suffer sometimes from loneliness, too. How have I gotten through these years? I don't know. I think having friends to talk to from time to time helps - friends who I can call. But it is also just a matter of adjustment. I found that I get used to it after a while. Sometimes I think it would be really nice to have someone around, and I do really want to have someone who I can grow old with. I think the biggest benefit would be to have someone who knows me really well - like for many years and has seen a lot of my struggles over time. Then, they can also help me to have some perspective when I am lacking. But I also hope I can contribute something positive to their life. I don't just want someone to hear me complain. I want the relationship to be mutual - both of us helping each other when we need it and celebrating together when one or both of us accomplishes something. In that sense, aside from the loneliness, it would be great to just be able to share everything with someone.

So, I really envy you that you have a wife and family that you obviously love so much. That is really special and something that I know you treasure. I know your wife treasures you, too, as you do her. I am positive that she will respond to the sincere changes that you are trying to make in your life. This is a tremendous opportunity for both of you to really take your relationship beyond the day to day mundane necessities and become much closer. There is a saying that one life is activated by another. My feeling is that she mostly needs to feel that she is not alone. That she has you as a real partner in your lives. It is that kind of partnership that I crave. I am really happy for you and I hope I can find the same thing myself.

I also feel that struggling myself with not wanting to really face my life will help me to get past whatever it has been that has kept me from finding that same kind of intimacy.

Wow. I wrote a lot. So, what is your blog? Can I see it? I know you may want to remain anonymous and that is fine, too. You may feel more free to say what you need to say if you can remain completely anonymous. I totally understand that.

Take care,
M.
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On 1/4/07, J. wrote:
m,

i still find it's very hard for me to handle being alone. how did you get thru these years?

for diary, i just created a blog myself and going to keep my diary there. though it's kind of privacy stuff, i am anonymous.

A day tour to Art Institute of Chicago

This is the first time I am into museum business. It's never my tourist spot. But I joined the membership for a year plus a 30 bucks donation.

It has to be some sort of mentoring that is what I need to take me into the museum door. I was 15 minutes late for the first tour of early American Contemporary Arts. Because the weekend laundry just took me enough time to gas off my 545i onto I-90.

I prefer I-90 more than 290, although the later one is free while first one asks for expensive toll. I-90 gives me a few miles of segregated express lane right before entering into Loop. On lucky days, I can occupy the entire inner lane without worrying cops showing up with eye-hurting flashes and ear-damaging sirens from behind. There is just nowhere for them on express lanes.

The first tour did not really interest me too much except the story about the couple of Alfred Stieglitz and Georgia O'Keeffe (do the research yourself if you are interested. The husband was a photographer and art dealer. In a sense, he was a "angel venture capitalist" who provided financial support for those dying-hunger artists before their accomplishments were recognized and valued. The wife was a very famous American Modern Art painter).

I appreciate Stieglitz's smart brain of business and generosity for yet-famous artists. O'Keeffe works have some kind of eye-catching abundance of colour.

OK, i am 1st day daycare baby in the path to arts so should not pretend I learnt a lot today. But the picture attached here held me in front of it and starring at for quite a few minutes. Almost wet my eyes. It's probably because this painting convey a hidden message which synchronised the wave of my sad mood at this moment.

This masterpiece was done by Ivan Albright. The title is "That I Should Have Done I Did Not". It's a abolished Victorian door, a tomb stone as doorsills, and a welted wreath from funeral. Most breathtaking part in this painting, to me, is the old hand full of wrinkles grabbing from the left-hand side. The strong shockwave this painting radiated to me are, in a few words, decay, destruction, point of no returns, long after death, and time never meant.

Why? the demolished Victorian door from some junk door tells me it's once glorious but the time has changed and all circumstances are all phased. The funeral wreath emphasizes the fade-away of old times and point to an end--death. The tombstone as door steps for this rejuvenated image is from a death, and it's still part of death.

The wrinkled old hand grabbing the door frame feels like wouldn't let go is a symbol of regret because everything is too late to catch up, reverse, or hold on tight.

This reminds me my fragile marriage.

Can I open it up and lead to a new passage?